I'm not exactly thrilled when my husband is out of town for business, but the good thing about it is that I get to hang out with my friends A LOT! So this entry is dedicated to my wonderful friends who over the years have looked after me through thick and thin and also many of my new friends that I am just getting to know.
I'll start with my good friend from my high school days in Lamesa, Joe Wheat. We haven't seen each other in about 10 years until we litterly bumped into each other at the Hole concert last year. Who knew Courtney Love could bring old friends together again? I hang out with Joe and his wonderful friends when Clint is in town, but I usually hang out with them longer/later when Clint's not around. We always have a good time! Thanks for Sunday brunch, Joe!
I also usually get to spend time with the Knight sisters who by the way are ALL THREE PREGNANT! Wow! I thought about going to the Sade concert on Saturday night, but opted instead to hang out with Natalie who is on bed rest for the rest of her pregnancy (she's only at week 23). We had a great time watching HLN shows (not as good as the Investigation Discovery Channel, but close 2nd).
I got to spend time with an old co-worker who may very well become my co-worker again. YAY! AND we got to spend time at dinner with my new friend Michelle Denton who is an AWESOME co-worker here at UCB. Good friends, good wine, good times!
I'm looking forward to having a girls night out at the Komen party at Hotel Za Za on Thursday night (always looking for more girls to join us!) and going to see Katy Perry at the Toyota Center (luxury suite, baby!) with my friend Kayla on Friday night. TGIF...TGIF! Also can't wait to go to the Alley Theater with my new MD Anderson friend, Laurie, Saturday afternoon, and going to my next door neighbor's girls night out party that night.
What would I seriously do without all my wonderful friends keeping me busy while my husband's out of town? I haven't even mentioned all the phones calls, facebook comments, and emails I've received from my friends out of town! Thanks to all of you for all you do to make me a little more sane and sometimes even forget that I have cancer - it's a tough job, but someone's got to do it, right?
On a more serious note, I had a long time friend call me this weekend to tell me that she has been diagnosed with Stage I breast cancer. I won't say who as I don't know if she wants me broadcasting it on world wide web. Praise God that she caught it early! It still makes me sad that she has to go through surgeries and treatments. I must say that she was extremely calm and matter of fact about it - you are so brave, my dear friend! I also found out that a breast cancer sister of mine from my support group may have bone metastasis and may be like me - Stage IV. It's still up in the air as the doctors at MDA don't know for sure that's its malignant lesions and they can't biopsy due to the location. She is starting new treatments for bone mets regardless and will be rescanned in 3 months. Pray for both of my friends as they are dealing with their news.
Otherwise, I am counting down the days until my 2nd reconstruction surgery on Monday, August 8. My plastic surgeon's office called me today and my surgeon want to see me in his office tomorrow - I have a feeling that he is going to want to do a mastectomy on my right breast since I may have had cancer there before I started this clinical trial. I'm hoping if that's the case, he can do an immediate reconstruction with a permanent implant. Maybe I'm just jumping to conclusions. I'll let you guys know what happens.
It's kinda quiet here at the house tonight. A few hours ago I dropped my husband, Clint, off at the airport for his flight to Singapore. He's somewhere out over the Pacific right about now. Before I dropped him off at the airport I asked if he was OK with me blogging about our marriage. He said he has no problem with it - so he knows about tonight's topic. I also want to say we are struggling - I think we all have times in our marriage that are harder than others. But we are working through it, so don't get all worried about us.
I have to start out by saying that I love my husband very much and he loves me very much as well. We've been married over 13 years. As many of you know, we have no children - we have 2 furbabies, but no children of the human kind. Those of you who have spent a lot of time around us know that we aren't the kind of couple that fights, yells, or screams. We don't have any financial troubles at this time. We really like each others extended families. We are both Christians and grew up in small towns. We are the best of friends.
I think over the years our careers maybe have gotten in the way and we have spent a lot of time apart - I'm talking extended time apart. Back a few years ago, Clint would sometimes be off-shore for 3-4 weeks at a time. Sometimes he would be gone for weeks then come home just as I would be leaving for a week long business meeting. Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that we have felt disconnected/distant from one another many times in our marriage.
Well, I think my cancer diagnosis has just put more distance/disconnection between us. Let me just say that Clint takes really good care of me - too good at times. I have to remind him that he has become too much of my caregiver and I need him to be my husband again. Then there's me - my problem is that I am not very emotionally available these days. I find myself scared of investing myself emotionally in anything at all anymore. I'm sure many of you have noticed that I may be a bit distant or distracted. It's like we both have our walls up and are protecting ourselves from what has happened and what is to come.
This last Sunday night was a rough one for us and we tried to talk all this out. Will we ever get back to where we used to be? Can we let our guard down and be open to all the emotional hurt and pain that my cancer is causing and will continue to cause? Will Clint be OK with my future being so unclear? Don't get me wrong - our marriage in many ways is stronger than ever, but as time goes on, the stress of day to day life with cancer wears us both down.
I already miss Clint very much, but I think this time apart may be good for both of us. Maybe we just need some time to ourselves to reflect and think about things. This is the part of cancer that really sucks - the toll it takes on a marriage.
Thanks for letting me vent!
My friend, Martha (aka Dynamo Stalker), talked me into running the Dynamo 5k yesterday. For those who don't know, the Dynamo is Houston's professional soccer team. I thought, why the heck not - I need to run this weekend so I might as well do it for a good cause and a nice tech running shirt.
It was stinking HOT out there. It started at 7:30 am but that still wasn't early enough to avoid the overpowering humidity. Of course I run at Memorial Park during the summer, but at least it's mostly shaded, there's a cool breeze, and it's a nice comfy dirt path. This was downtown on the concrete roads which are definitely NOT shaded. To top it all off, Martha's 13 year old daughter, Isabelle, ran with us. Yes, it does hurt my ego when a six year old kid leaves me in the dust in these little fun runs, but it's way worse to get your a## handed to you by a kid you know and hasn't even run one before!! So I had to get my game face on and get serious about this "fun run" - LOL. We had a really good time - me, Martha, and Isabelle stayed at the same pace the entire race and finished together. I still have my pride intact!
I guess you can say that me and Martha are officially in training for our big half marathon in Vegas, December 4. Yay! I'm already thinking of crazy outfits, glow sticks and light up earrings, sunglasses, etc since it's at night on the strip. As I have said before, anyone interested in doing this with us is welcome to sign up. Me and Martha's friend, Ashley, is officially in and my friends Melanie, Tami, and Mary are thinking about it.
Speaking of running outfits, I got a "Team Sparkle" pink sequined skirt in the mail last week. It didn't say who it was from or have any sort of note in it. So, whoever sent it to me if you are reading this: THANK YOU! I LOVE IT AND CAN'T WAIT TO WEAR IT IN A RACE!
So many of you always ask me why I still run and wonder how I do it. I'm just not ready to give up something I love so much - especially to cancer. I know at some point my body may have the final decision, but not now - not yet. Running is something I still have control over. I can decide what races I want to sign up for, how I want to train, when and where I want to run, etc. The training part still gives me a chance to set goals and challenge myself. If I want to just run for fun (like Vegas) I can also leave my watch at home and just have fun with my friends. It also gives me a chance to be outdoors and enjoy the scenery where ever it is I'm running.
Besides, it's still really important that I keep in shape mentally and physically - which is exactly what running does for me. I don't think I've found another activity that can keep me in such great shape, kick my butt, and at the same time be such an amazing stress reliever. Yes, I am fatigued from many of my medications and treatments. Yes, my bones, joints and muscles ache probably from the medications as well. It also doesn't help that I'm in Zoladex induced menopause which may be the culprit behind a few migraines I've had the last few months. But I still try and run when I am able.
What passion, hobby, physical activity would you fight to keep no matter what?
Last week I found out from my clinical trial oncologist at MDA that my breast oncologist would be the featured speaker at this month's MDA Grand Rounds - which took place yesterday. Of course I just had to attend. Remember folks, I am a pharmaceutical sales rep and have gone to a few Grand Rounds over the past 13 years of my career, so this isn't really such a strange or rare event for me. Anyway, what is rare is that Dr. Litton was invited to speak - she is an associate professor and usually the speakers are department chairs, visiting professors from outside, etc. This was a huge honor for my doc so I had to go and support her. Her presentation was regarding Breast Cancer diagnosis during preganancy and fertility after cancer treatments. Such an interesting topic - did you know that the first infant born after chemo treatments for BC at MDA is now 21 years of age? They've been using chemo on pregnant women for that many years? After the hour long presentation I went down to the front of the auditorium to say hi. Dr. Litton invited me to go get coffee with her. Really? I've always wanted to take her out for a beer and ask some really crazy questions about cancer, but I guess coffee is the next best thing, right? We had a great time hanging out for about an hour or so down in the lobby. But to my surprise, we didn't really talk much about cancer - we talked about vacations, her kids, cooking, shopping, and what we like to do in our down time. Did you know that she likes to watch mindless TV just like me!! Her favorite is the Bachlorette while mine is Housewives of the OC or Jersey (that's right, I've finally moved on from reruns of the Golden Girls since we don't get the Hallmark channel anymore). She also likes People magazine, who knew? I thought she spent all her down time reading the newest BC articles on PubMed or preparing for her next big lecture or clinical trial - I mean, she doesn't work 24 hours a day?
On a serious note, I did ask her how many hours a week she works - it would be 60. That's crazy, especially for a high stress job like cancer. I shook my head, called her "Dr. Death" (or was it Dr. Doom and Gloom?) and asked her how she emotionally does this job day in and day out. Sadly, she looked at me like I was the first person to actually ask her this question. She said it's really difficult, she's lost so many patients over the years and it never gets any easier.
Which brings me to my next point - I think we expect way too much out of our physicians. Not only are they supposed to know exactly what's wrong with us and how to make it go away at our convenience with the least amount of pain and side effects, but they are supposed to be our therapist, spiritual guide, fortune teller, financial advisor, and best friend with an amazing sense of humor. Ummmmm, I don't think this is possible for any human being much less physicians who are over worked, under appreciated, and underpaid. Never mind they have lives of their own to worry about. I imagine many physicians leave work everyday feeling like every ounce of life has been sucked out of them.
So next time you are out and about and see your physician at a restaurant, out doing some retail therapy, running at the park, hanging out at their kids school, doing their laundry at your house (who could that be?) or somewhere putting their bare feet on the table (I'm not naming any names) just remember that they are regular people too - just like me and you, but just so happen to have MD behind their name and just may have the cure for cancer. I hope we all realize how valuable they are to us and how we appreciate everything they do!!
I had a pretty interesting day at MD Anderson this Thursday. Actually everyday that I go up to that amazing place is pretty interesting, but this Thursday was extra special. As some of you know, I occasionally go to a message board for Stage IV metastatic breast cancer survivors on breastcancer.org. I only post or reply to threads once in a blue moon. I go there mostly to see what other women are on treatment wise and to see if there is anything new or exciting out there for liver mets. Anyway, earlier in the week a woman named Suzanne posted that she and her husband were coming to MDA from Connecticut to see what is available for clinical trials, etc. She also wanted to know about things to do, places to eat, etc while they are in Houston. I responded and offered to meet up with her and her husband at MDA on Thursday since I had a 2 hour window between my blood draw and my appointment in the Center for Targeted Therapy where I see my clinical trial oncologist. We met up in the Rotary House and had a great visit. Her cancer experience is a lot like mine - even the fertility issues before the diagnosis. She also has liver mets like me. We talked for a while and she told me that she was also being referred to the same Center for Targeted Therapy by her breast oncologist at MDA that she saw earlier in the week, but was just waiting to be scheduled for her appointment. While we were visiting, her scheduler called and told her that she arranged an appointment for her...at the same time as mine and with the same oncologist! Wow! So we all went up to the 10th floor together for our appointments - she ended up being in the patient room next to me. She even ended up in the same clinical trial as me - Arimidex and Afinitor! It was just an amazing day - she was so happy to not be going on another chemo and she was excited that she may have a shot at having amazing results like me (we both have a lot in common as far as cancer type, treatment failures, etc).
What's more amazing is seeing MD Anderson through the eyes of someone who has never been there before. I have to say, I take it for granted that it is in my backyard here in Htown. Here are some of the things I want to say about the place:
1. If you ever have a bad day and need to get a grip on reality - go walk the halls of MDA and you will realize how small your problems really are and how life can be so unfair and cruel for others.
2. The place can really be intimidating. Suzanne couldn't get over the fact that it was such a huge institution...that just specializes in cancer! She has been treated at Dana Farber and says it is nothing compared to the size and magnitude of MDA.
3. If you have cancer, you can be with your peeps! So many people come to MDA from other areas of the country where they may be the only person in their town with cancer, or the only person at that institution being treated for a certain type of cancer. That my friends, can be kinda lonely. At MDA, even people with the most rare of cancers have others they can reach out to at MDA who have the same type of cancer.
4. "Everyone here has ports and wigs. It's wonderful!" Suzanne couldn't believe so many people at MDA were wearing wigs and sporting ports, especially the "power ports." I laughed and told her that those of us who have had the port placed by Dr. Brown are even held in higher regard - he just celebrated his 5000th port placement at MDA - he has only been doing this at MDA for the last 5 years!
5. It's been said that God and his angels walk the halls of MD Anderson. Go and listen to people on the shuttle buses, in the waiting rooms, cafeteria, etc. You may just catch some of the stories of God working miracles through the physicians and staff. I can tell you so many stories I've overheard of wonderful and unbelievable happenings, but I don't have time and energy to write them all down. They are all amazing stories and I love to hear all of them. So much hope! So much hope in a place that sometimes, that's the only thing you really have left to cling to.
6. I've never understood what it means to have peace and joy even in times of trial. You see people that look like they are on the brink of death, but yet seem to be at peace with what awaits them. I've come to the conclusion that no matter what, that is most important - having hope and faith of what's beyond this life and cancer, that you are secure in whatever life gives you. I see others who are on the brink of death at MDA who don't have this - they look extremely tired, distressed, and lost. I find myself saying prayers for these people...that they may find peace. I also say a prayer for myself that when I may be faced with the same finality that I have that peace that the others have shown.
Otherwise, I can't tell you how nice it was for me and Clint to meet another couple who share a lot of the same trials, uncertainty, fear, and just day in day out life of metastatic breast cancer crap. We have so many wonderful friends who have been so wonderful and supportive throughout my time in CancerLand, but its just nice to know that there's someone else out there that shares the same life in CancerLand...what I call the "new normal" for me and Clint. Suzanne and her husband, David will be back in a couple of weeks to get her started on the Arimidex and Afinitor trial. We look forward to seeing them again when they return. In the meantime, I realize how blessed I truly am living here in Houston only 4.5 miles away for the #1 cancer institution in the world and that they have found a new treatment for me that seems to be giving me FANTASTIC results for now. One final word, Afinitor may be really close to being approved by the FDA for metastatic breast cancer - maybe by 2012. I'm in a phase 1 trial based on the combination, dosing regimens, and structure of this trial. Afinitor has already finished phase 3 trials for breast cancer and will be up for regulatory review soon. Here's a link to one of the many articles that made headlines this last week. EXCITING STUFF!
http://www.fiercepharma.com/story/new-breast-cancer-data-bolsters-novartis-afinitor/2011-07-05
Until next time!!!
Happy 4th of July! I thought I would start my new blog on Independence Day - my first blog or journal was on Caringbridge which I will still continue to update, though not as frequently.
For those of you who don't know me, my name is Rachel Midgett and I have metastatic breast cancer that has spread to my liver. Some of you may not know this, but metastatic breast cancer is deemed "uncurable" or "terminal". I was diagnosed in August of 2009 and have been living in CancerLand ever since. Please do not confuse CancerLand with CandyLand - two complete different places! CancerLand has way more highs and lows than CandyLand. I guess it's more like Chutes & Ladders? All kidding aside, I have been in some pretty dark places in the last two years, but have also had so many bright, sunny days that I probably wouldn't have even experienced without my diagnosis. Yes, I'm one of those goofy people that don't wish cancer on their worst enemy, but think that cancer has made their life so much better. Not that I enjoy cancer, I guess I just needed a big time wake up call to show me what life is really about. I'm still learning of course, I'm no Obi Wan of Cancer...yet.
So let me give you a quick run down of the last two/two and a half years of my life:
1. Started IVF (in-vitro fertilization) - January 2009
2. Got pregnant - February 2009
3. Miscarriage - April 2009 (weekend of my birthday - that sucked!)
4. Noticed a lump on my left breast days before my 2nd round of IVF was to start - August 2009
5. Diagnosed with breast cancer and had a unilateral mastectomy on left breast - August 2009
6. Self referred to MD Anderson Cancer Center - September 2009
7. CT scans showed metastasis in liver. Staged at Stage IV - September 2009
8. Taxol chemotherapy weekly for 3 months, lost hair for first time (went well, cancer regressed) - September - November 2009
9. FAC chemotherapy combination every 3 weeks for 3 months (went well, cancer regressed) - December - March 2010
10. Liver lesion still there, moved on to oral Tamoxifen for 3 months (didn't work) - April - June 2010
11. Abraxane chemotherapy every 3 weeks for 2 months, lost hair 2nd time (mixed results and had to change treatments) - July to September 2010
12. Xeloda chemotherapy, daily oral therapy for 4 months (worked, but not for long) - September to January 2011
13. Two months of being on nothing to washout for clinical trial and 1st Reconstruction surgery - January - March 2011
14. Phase I Clinical trial of Arimidex and Affinitor, both oral drugs taken daily (working amazingly well with minimal side effects) March 2011 - present
15. Scheduled for 2nd Reconstruction surgery - August 8, 2011 (Yay, Dr. Schusterman!)
Whew! That's a lot of surgeries, treatments, etc! As I said earlier, lots of highs and lows. But through it all I've lived a pretty exciting life. I still work full time, hang out with my friends, run half marathons, ride in 60 mile bike rides, travel to exciting places like Hawaii, Paris and the BVI, and just plain love my life!!!!
How do I do it? I couldn't have done it one minute without my faith in God, my husband, my family, my friends, my oncologists at MD Anderson, and my stubbornness to not let cancer take my life away without a fight.
So join me in my journey. I hope to post here maybe twice a week. I won't always talk about cancer. What I will talk about is my life WITH cancer and how it is in my world of CancerLand. You may be surprised how good it can be!
