Newflash: My Marriage Isn't Perfect!

It's kinda quiet here at the house tonight.  A few hours ago I dropped my husband, Clint, off at the airport for his flight to Singapore.  He's somewhere out over the Pacific right about now.  Before I dropped him off at the airport I asked if he was OK with me blogging about our marriage. He said he has no problem with it - so he knows about tonight's topic.  I also want to say we are struggling - I think we all have times in our marriage that are harder than others.  But we are working through it, so don't get all worried about us.


I have to start out by saying that I love my husband very much and he loves me very much as well.  We've been married over 13 years.  As many of you know, we have no children - we have 2 furbabies, but no children of the human kind.  Those of you who have spent a lot of time around us know that we aren't the kind of couple that fights, yells, or screams.  We don't have any financial troubles at this time.  We really like each others extended families.  We are both Christians and grew up in small towns.   We are the best of friends. 


I think over the years our careers maybe have gotten in the way and we have spent a lot of time apart - I'm talking extended time apart.  Back a few years ago, Clint would sometimes be off-shore for 3-4 weeks at a time.  Sometimes he would be gone for weeks then come home just as I would be leaving for a week long business meeting.  Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that we have felt disconnected/distant from one another many times in our marriage.  


Well, I think my cancer diagnosis has just put more distance/disconnection between us.  Let me just say that Clint takes really good care of me - too good at times.  I have to remind him that he has become too much of my caregiver and I need him to be my husband again.  Then there's me - my problem is that I am not very emotionally available these days.  I find myself scared of investing myself emotionally in anything at all anymore.  I'm sure many of you have noticed that I may be a bit distant or distracted.  It's like we both have our walls up and are protecting ourselves from what has happened and what is to come.  


This last Sunday night was a rough one for us and we tried to talk all this out.  Will we ever get back to where we used to be?  Can we let our guard down and be open to all the emotional hurt and pain that my cancer is causing and will continue to cause?  Will Clint be OK with my future being so unclear?  Don't get me wrong - our marriage in many ways is stronger than ever, but as time goes on, the stress of day to day life with cancer wears us both down.  


I already miss Clint very much, but I think this time apart may be good for both of us.  Maybe we just need some time to ourselves to reflect and think about things.  This is the part of cancer that really sucks - the toll it takes on a marriage.  


Thanks for letting me vent!